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Scoring Criteria

Ace

The best of the best. Only a privileged few will have the opportunity to enjoy this beverage without paying a fortune. If you can find it, drop another luxury from your life and buy this instead.

King

A king is a leader of men. This king is a leader of liquors. It reigns as a sovereign in the world of alcoholic beverages. You will be a leader of your community, if you share this with your friends.

Queen

Every king needs a queen to rule in his stead, when he is unavailable. Every liquor cabinet needs an impressive beverage to serve neat, when you don't want to reach for the top shelf.

Jack

A jack of all trades. This is a daily drinker. It is a workhorse liquor that can easily be served neat, or used as the base for an excellent cocktail. Keep a duplicate in the back of your cabinet.

Deuce

This one is a wild card. It depends on your mood. Some days, it might be good. Some days, it might be bad. Definitely a mixer. Don't try to drink this one neat. Use it in a cheap cocktail.

Joker

Did they actually distill this liquor as a joke? Come on, really? This one is awful. This is the kind of liquor purchased by inexperienced college kids whose palates have yet to hit puberty.

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